The Conversation: Politics, Family and Healing

Let me tell you a story. One that is deeply personal that I think needs to be told to help others. I hope the story leads to more people finding forgiveness and healing of familial relationships and friendships. This tale may allow us all to come together once again to solve the bigger issues we are facing as a country....

As far back as I can remember, I idolized my uncle. He was cool as cool could be and could do no wrong. He introduced me to driving even though I had no concept of gas vs brakes, and I about put him through the windshield for his troubles. He and his friends would get together to play guitar, bass, and drums because what teenager didn’t want to be a rock star? That included me as he sat me down at the drums, with little instruction for a basic beat, and set me loose like Animal from The Muppet Show. The relationship was fun every time I visited him in South Texas or when he came to visit us in Houston. With him being 6 years older than me, we were not so far apart. But, as we both grew older, however, our relationship changed. It was inevitable.

Over a period of a few years, he joined the Air Force, was medically discharged, went to college, and started having girlfriends. Meanwhile, I’m jumping ditches on my bicycle, hanging out with my friends, trying to be cool by smoking cigarettes and jamming to parentally unapproved music. We had little time for each other, even though he was living with us. After my grandparents moved closer to us, he moved in with them while continuing to work on his degree. Eventually, he moved to Vermont and, at some point, lived in New York. I still idolized him even then, though he wasn’t around very much. He was doing stuff I could only dream about.

After not seeing each other very much, and as I became an adult with responsibilities like driving, working several jobs, and dating, we grew further apart. Our views during that time may have also shifted as religion and politics were a topic he and I never broached. To be honest, though, we grew up in a time when those topics were somewhat taboo in polite company.

In the mid-’90s, I graduated from a technical college with a degree in electronics engineering. I started working in the IT field doing contract jobs with the occasional permanent position, and I eventually landed a permanent position near where he lived. My uncle helped me with that transition as I had never really been on my own before. But this is where, as the new millennium rolled around, our relationship took a turn, and eventually, it culminated in a minor physical confrontation. It wasn’t too serious, but the emotional impact was, well, impactful. I felt betrayed and that he didn’t understand where I was.

Feeling that way about it, I treated it as such. I excommunicated my uncle from my life and started moving on. I got married, started having kids, and became a responsible adult. But I constantly reflected on what happened between us that night and began to understand that at the time, I was being immature and also suffering from mild depression over losing my job. But that memory was a game changer for me as I became even more responsible as an adult. Especially as an adult with my own kids.

Little by little, though, I started forgiving him. I started to appreciate the lessons of adulthood and responsibility from that night as well. Slowly at first, and over time, I let my uncle back into my life. I introduced him to my wife, and to my daughters, and eventually, he became family once again. He decided my daughters should call him “Druncle Lance.” The reason is that he did enjoy his libations at the time. He helped me when I needed it, and in return, I helped him. This became more prevalent during my divorce as I moved away and started getting my life back in order.

But the story changes once again. Politics was never truly discussed that much between us. But while I stayed with him to visit my kids, we started having some very contentious conversations. Especially with him being left-liberal and me being right-conservative. Conversations that, at some point, turned into yelling at each other out and calling each other names. Instead of calmly discussing the issues and figuring out the middle ground, calling each other “idiot” became the wedge, and yelling became the hammer. It was so bad I packed up my stuff and left. I had enough stress in my life as it was, and I didn’t need it anymore. I blocked his calls and reluctantly, once again, was going to excommunicate him from my life. Then my father died.

Unbeknownst to me, my uncle and father also had a falling out, and it was also to the point they were not talking to one another. This wasn’t, however, my uncle’s fault; this one was my dad's. When I got the call one afternoon that he had passed, I had to let my uncle know. So, reluctantly, I called him. After the discussion about my father, he asked if we could talk for a bit. I emphasized that I didn’t want to discuss politics, and he agreed. We had a long conversation catching up after not talking for 7 months.

After a while, we mostly discussed daily life. That is, until one day, my uncle contacted me and asked if we could discuss politics once again. I cringed at the idea... You see, I concluded that politics became a religion. If you don’t believe what I believe, you are a heretic. The modern Spanish Inquisition, if you will, and everything was “3^rd rail”. With the past in mind, I proposed that we lay down some ground rules that we could agree upon, and this is what we came up with.

Political Discussion Rules of Engagement:

1.        There is no yelling, period. If it becomes impassioned, that’s the end of the conversation.
2.        There is no name-calling. That includes ridiculing politicians. Discuss the policy, not the person.
3.        Discuss the facts at hand, not the theory or supposition.
4.        If a middle ground cannot be reached, put a pause in the conversation and come back to it later.
5.        Whataboutism isn’t allowed.