The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow July 26, 2023

1) In a New Hampshire poll of their dream candidate, President Trump beats out everyone . . . including Ronald Reagan.

-As a biographer of Reagan, I am not surprised. He was a man for his time, as FDR was in the 1930s and 1940s and as Lincoln was in the 1860s. Reagan was too nice to get elected in today’s political world.

2) Ruh-roh. The story has changed. Now Zero and Michael were on Martha’s Vinyard when the private chef—whom it is now revealed COULD swim well—drowned.

3) And here is a video of the chef swimming. Will we next learn that Zero was the other paddleboarder?

4) Oh, and speaking of changing stories, remember when Rutabaga said he didn’t have any connection with Hunter Biteme’s businesses? Now it’s the Imposter was “never in business” with his son. Catch that?

5) And the fecal-brained snotdragger said that we have ended cancer as we know it and said there was no difference between a broken arm and a mental meltdown.

-Well, for someone with a brain that looks like an alcoholic’s liver, there might not be.

6) Minion Romney, desperate to have a victory over Donald Trump somewhere after Trump humiliated him by not giving him the SecState gig, is begging GOP donors to pressure low-polling candidates to drop out of the race.

-Pssst. Minion, ya little ankle biter: they are ALL “low polling.”

7) The latest interactive poll shows President Trump with a 4-point lead over Rutabaga, a 4-point gain from previous polling. Remember, President Trump, did not lead in a single major national poll in 2020.

8) Meanwhile, the DeSantis campaign let go 38 people—one-third of the staff—while undergoing a “reset.”

9) Trump still leads in Iowa by a ton, but DeSantis faded 6 points in three weeks.

10) Here is another of “those” stories: “Speaker McCarthy INDICATES Republicans are MOVING TOWARD [an] impeachment of Rutabaga.”

-Non-words in CAPS. Motion usually is accompanied by milestones. What milestones “toward” impeachment have the Rs crossed?

11) Texas is implementing a new extra registration fee for electric vehicles.

12) With Affirmative Action shut down, Rutabaga is taking it out on the legacies at Harvard.

13) LeBron James’ son Bronny (age 18) had a cardiac arrest during a basketball workout.

-But I’m sure the vax had nothing to do with this, right LeBrewski?

14) And singer Tori Kelly was rushed to the hospital after collapsing at an LA restaurant, being treated for . . . wait for it . . . blood clots in legs and lungs. I’m sure there was nothing related to the vax here.

15) Twitter “influencer” John Cardillo was hit with a $196,000 ruling saying he failed to deliver a product and pocketed the money.

16) A federal judge dealt a blow to Rutabaga’s asylum plans at the border.

17) It finally feels like, just a little, the pendulum is swinging our way as Hunter Biteme’s lawyers face sanctions after being accused of lying to the clerk in his criminal tax case.

18) Whackadoodle prepper Sam Altman has launched a crypto coin based on a retinal scan.

-DO. NOT. EVER. DO. THIS.

19) Washington’s idiot governor Jay Insleaze insists the “Earth is screaming at us.”

-“MOVE TO WHERE THE FOOD IS. OOOOH OOOHHHH!!!

IN CULTURE NEWS

20) The rich talk about inclusion, but wealthy lib suburbs isolate themselves from the middle class through numerous laws.

IN TRANSOID NEWS

21) Transoid surgery nightmares revealed: 81% endure pain five years after procedures, a third are incontinent.

IN ECONOMIC NEWS

22) The federal debt rose 76% under Rutabaga.

23) Shocked, I tell ya: Solar panels are three times more carbon intensive than gas.

24) Businesses in New Kabul whine that “enough is enough” with the illegal criminal crisis. No, enough is enough when you vote Eric the Red Adams out of office.

IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS

25) Poland said if Germany wants to set an example for Russia in the Uke War, it should pay reparations for World War II.

-Ouch, Huns. Ya might wanna put some ice on that.

26) Will Kenya become the latest African country to pass an anti-homosexual law?

IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

27) The Netflix series “Quarterback” was well done, featuring Patrick Mahomes, Kirk Cousins, and Marcus Mariota. Don’t know how they chose these three, but it worked out perfectly as Mariota was benched after 2/3 of the season (and opted to have knee surgery at that point), Cousins led the Vikes to the NFC North, only to lose in the Wild Card game perpetuating his (undeserved) rep as a QB who “can’t win it all” (D gave up over 30 points to the NYMidgets), and of course Mahomes, who won the Super Bowl despite playing on a high ankle sprain and literally hopping around.

-Good insight into incredible training, strategy, and family life.

28) Just as info: “Barbie,” which is on track to hit $1b, is the belle of the Zoomer/Gen Xers. The movie is showing in 4,243 theaters and has done almost $200m internationally, while, say, “Sound of Freedom” has not been released internationally yet and is only at 2,800 theaters.

-By the way, SoF is now at $127.6 million, or arguably about $40 million in profitability, making it now about $380 million more profitable than “Indiana Jones and the Spooge of Spartacus.”

29) Chuck Norris settled a $30 million lawsuit against CBS and Sony over unpaid streaming profits from “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

-Bet he got more than Michael Cohen got, which I think was a buck fitty.

30) Football player Johnny Lujack, the Heisman winner who led Notre Dame to three national titles, dead at age 98.

IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS

31) We have a trial date set in the landmark lawsuit concerning wrongful death during the pandemic hospitalizations.

32) This hottie, Milla, a 19-year-old Finnish internet sensation . . . . is an AI-generated persona. I mean, who could have been fooled?

-Course, you guys never realized that I am an AI-generated sensation as well.

AND THAT'S TODAY'S NEWS