The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow April 18, 2023

  • by:
  • Source: UncoverDC
  • 09/19/2023

The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow


1) The new mayor of Bengahzi-by-the-Lake says not to “demonize” the feral youts who engaged in rumspringa this weekend. Just Amish kids letting off steam.

2) While outgoing mayor Beetlejuice said the riots were “mostly peaceful” and said it was wrong to call them mayhem.

-These people are so evil that a direct hit by an asteroid wouldn’t be enough justice.

3) And now Kollyfornia has a huge mob in Compton that ransacked a gas station while “outnumbered” police did nothing.

4) Governor Ron DeSantis has threatened to build a prison next to Disney as payback for trying to hoodwink him in the Reedy Creek war.

-Hold on, gov. That might not work out like you think. Disney might see an opportunity for a whole new theme park experience, “Orange is the new Mouse.”

5) New York’s gov, Kathy Hoch-a-Loogie, spent $2 million on outside ghostwriters for the State of the State addresses.

-Gee whiz, this is outrageous. I woulda done it for a mil.

6) The Ninth Circus threw out Berkeley’s ban on gas stoves.

7) Rutabaga has promised to veto the House’s “Protection of women act” that bans men from women’s sports. As if it were ever going to be different.

8) More speculation that Yertle is retiring due to potentially serious brain damage.

-Really? Like he’s worse than Rutabaga, the demented sackgrabber?

9) Speaking of age, “DemoKKKrats discover the age issue.”

-Cuz they be slow.

10) As he has in almost every state, President Trump has taken a double-digit lead in Arizona’s primary.

11) I guess prosecutors are running out of “white nationalists” to arrest and are finally going after actual white-collar criminals, arresting several fraudsters in Silicon Valley.

-Asked for a comment, Elizabeth Holmes insisted, “I was there first!!”

12) A transoid teacher has been removed from a school after threatening to shoot some of his students.



13) This is the way to do it. Anheuser-Busch was accused of “racist and sexist” hiring practices that prioritized minorities in a complaint filed by America First Legal.

14) AI computers are already just making crap up. It’s called the “hallucination” problem, and this is just the beginning.

15) On the other hand, ChatGPT says it’s “sure” Jesus Christ is the “Son of God.”

-Lord, help me. I’m gonna have to baptize a computer.

16) New savings accounts paying higher interest from Apple and Goldman Sachs caused investors to pull $60 billion out of low-yielding bank accounts.

17) “Build a Bear” is selling drag queen teddy bears.

-Folks, you’re gonna have to break every one of these diddlepinchers until they are out of business.



18) Major anti-war, anti-gov protests erupted in Prague over the Uke situation.

19) Remember how everyone was gonna starve cuz the Russkies would destroy Ukes’ grain harvest? Now the EU says member states must accept Uke grain surpluses even if it destroys the market price.

20) England’s fine National Health Service, the pride of commiedom, now has a waiting list of 7 million people.



21) Well, this is a real festerbucket: internet activist and long-time spoogespooner Ali Alexander is wrapped up in a fight with Milo Yiannopoulos and Nick Fuentes.

22) Philadelphia Eagles QB Jalen Hurts got a five-year $255 million extension, making him the highest-paid player in NFL history.

23) Actor Jamie Foxx remains hospitalized in Georgia almost a week after suffering an unnamed “medical complication.”

-He didn’t make a Jada Pinkett joke, did he?



24) Flight attendants reveal when you should and shouldn’t press the call button during a flight.

-I’m guessing when the plane is in an uncontrolled 90-degree dive is probably in the “shouldn’t” category.



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