The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow
IN POLITICAL NEWS
1) Biteme has appeared to have staunched the bleeding on Civiqs, holding at a powerful 30% for two straight days!
2) The Rutabaga’s almost historic unpopularity is bringing deep blue seats into play for Rs, who are eyeing turf Biteme won by double digits.
3) Hispanic journalists condemn the Senior Skank’s stupid comments saying “We are not tacos.”
4) Speaking of gaffes, Biteme said the Parkland school shooting occurred in 1918 . . . in the middle of World War I.
5) Even CNN can’t believe how low Biteme’s ratings are.
-Man, they should look at their own ratings.
6) A TIPP poll shows that 60% of the people say the Patriot Day Jan. 6 panel’s main aim is to “stop Trump.”
7) Biteme is threatening to yank Medicare status from hospitals that fail to perform abortions in emergency procedures, even if there is a state ban.
-Supes would hear this on an emergency basis and slap the poo out of it.
8) Our own Wendi Strauch Mahoney reviews the ongoing election integrity reviews. Important stuff.
9) A host at a leftist Portland radio station (is there any other type?) Arrested for trafficking and rape of a Canadian child.
10) Jordan Peterson correctly notes that in part Russia’s attack in Ukraine was to stop the spread of “degenerate” American culture, especially about sex and gender.
11) The White House has admitted the Rutabaga doesn’t care about the pain his policies cause Americans.
12) In peaceful and somnambulant Philly, a mere 10 people were shot on manic Monday. Slow day.
13) An utterly sickening video of the Uvalde shooting has surfaced where officers, who arrived three minutes after the first shots outside, retreat from the shooter even after getting ballistic shields and body armor. No one actively goes after the shooter for almost 77 minutes after the first shots outside.
14) In another criminal enterprise, New Calcutta (Los Angeles), the Board of Supes voted to order county attorney’s to draft a ballot measure that would allow them to remove the elected sheriff there . . . cuz they don’t like him.
15) A weedkiller ingredient used in Roundup is found in 80% of U.S. urine samples.
-Now do THC.
IN ECONOMIC NEWS
16) Real rents are rising 6% while hourly earnings are falling 3%. That’s a “pain index” of 9!
17) Amazon is developing “personalized vaccines” for breast and skin cancer.
-What could go wrong?
18) After initially resisting Elon Musk’s bid to buy Twit, only to have Musk withdraw the offer, Twit now has filed a lawsuit to make him complete the $44 billion acquisition.
Ol’ Elon hasn’t been building those rockets for nuthin’. He has an escape plan. To Mars.
19) The 7-Eleven company has encouraged New Calcutta franchises to close amid a string of armed robberies and murders.
-Apparently, gangs in New Calcutta are miffed at being outshone by their rivals in Benghazi-by-the-Lake
20) And even the coffee giant Starbucks has closed dozens of stores due to “staff shortages” . . . which are caused by crime. But they don’t want to say that.
21) Mexican President Lopez Obrador suggested that Americans living close to the border come to Me-hee-co for cheaper gas.
-And with a fill-up, you get a free dose of fentanyl.
22) Yesterday it was Ecuador, Sri Lanka, Holland, and today it’s Panama, where protests forced the gubment to lower fuel prices.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
23) Here is a historic tour of Tokyo’s assassination sites. Gee, quite a few.
24) Ruh roh! German farmers have now joined Dutch farmers in protesting the EU’s toadsprinkle climate policies.
-Hey, if France and Italy join, is this the ag equivalent of NATO? Like, FATO?
25) The Russkies plan to ban propaganda of homosexual relations for everyone.
-In the U.S., such a ban would remove 99% of programming and almost all ads.
26) Speaking of the Russkies, they have accelerated testing of their new hypersonic missile, the “Satan-2.” Gotta hand it to the Reds. They know how to name weapons. We build the “Peacekeeper” missile.
-If I’m ever president, I will order an immediate more imposing renaming of all weapons systems like the “Buttkicker” and the “Scrotumstomper.”
27) Sex offenders in Thailand will be castrated according to a new law.
28) Another man was gored and four others were injured in the latest Pamplona bull run a day after an American was impaled through the leg.
-Just spitballin’ here, but maybe it’s kind of phlegm-brained to antagonize horned animals four times your weight.
29) Cannot make this up. Zelensky’s close advisor and homosexual lover, Andriy Yermak, is a Russian agent.
-How long before we learn that Dr. Fallacy was part of a threesome?
30) And coincidence? Zelensky set to consider legalizing homosexual marriage in Ukraine.
31) Our latest nominee for the Darwin Award goes to an American tourist who fell into Mount Vesuvius after taking a selfie. He only sustained “minor injuries.”
-That’s, prior to the eruption.
32) I’m tellin’ ya, you elite spoogepickles, ya better watch out: In France, the populist right under Marine Le Pen and the populist left under Jean-Luc Melenchon just banded together to defeat a China Virus travel passport.
-Heads on pikes aren’t far off, diddledippers.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
33) Follow up as David Spade has donated $5,000 to the Burger King employee who has never missed a day’s work but was given a candy goodie bag on his 27th anniversary.
-Well, with today’s inflation, you couldn’t give him a gold watch.
34) Trust in the media has hit historic lows. Now, why in the world would that be?
35) Probably belongs in intergalactic news: Bradley Cooper is dating Huma Abedin.
-“Freeper” fieldmarshaldj commented, “I didn’t know Bradley Cooper was a lesbian.”
36) Did you ever think Kevin Costner would be discriminated against because he isn’t woke enough? But “Yellowstone” was shut out of the EMMY awards again.
-Maybe he should turn Beth loose on the committee.
37) And finally, a Florida man tried to outrun deputies on a riding lawnmower.
Sorta reverses the old saying, “Your ass is grass and . . . . “ well, you know.
And That's Today's News...
Larry Schweikart is the co-author with Michael Allen of the NYTimes #1 bestseller, A Patriot's History of the United States, and is the founder of the history curriculum site, the Wild World of History. Larry can be found at Substack under Larry Schweikart and, for as long as they allow him, at Twitter @WallsOther and on Gettr @OtherWalls and on TruthSocial @CyberneticsLS
Larry's latest book, Dragonslayers: Six Presidents and their War with the Swamp is now available wherever books are sold! You can listen to his interview with Tracy Beanz on Dark to Light HERE