The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow
IN POLITICAL NEWS
1) The John “Bull” Durham saga marches on at a sloth’s pace: he now has revealed he has hundreds of emails between Fusion GPS and reporters and DARPA contacts and classified data.
-In any fair and just country, dozens of people, reaching right up to Cankles and the top leadership of the DNC, would be arrested.
2) Vice President Kampuchea Harris has the China Virus. Please pray for her, as when she goes, the Rutabaga will get the 25th Amendment treatment, and they might put in someone less disastrous.
-Stay healthy, Kampuchea. Hang in there, Rutabaga!
3) Georgia has finally gotten around to investigating ballot harvesting. All it took was a movie by Dinesh D’Souza.
4) The Rutabaga’s net approval is underwater in 40 states.
5) Inside the battle for Twitter: the Twitster board was “Twitter’s board was a feeble collection of tech has-beens, diversity hires, and boring corporate functionaries” who didn’t even use the platform.
6) DemoKKKrat suits to remove Pennsylvania Republicans from the ballot are snuffed by a judge.
7) Harassment lawsuits against the CEO of the Jewish Federation of New Mexico have set off a crisis in the state’s Jewish community (he asked for a $30,000 forgivable loan to make repairs on his house).
8) Harvard has pledged $100 million to research, atone for its role in slavery.
-We don’t need $100 million, Harvard. Just close your doors. Forever. That would atone for your outrageously horrible “scholarship.”
9) File under “Rampant paganism celebrated by Christian faculty” at Yale Divinity School, which held its first non-Christian service with “black ecology” and “pantheistic mysticism.”
10) And file this under, “A tad excessive?” A Family Dollar Store employee emptied an entire clip into the back of a shoplifter who stole motor oil.
11) Trump’s $10,000 a day fine in New York starts now, but there is a method to the madness. He could not challenge this until he had actually been fined.
12) And this is filed under “Make up your damn minds” an “expert” panel now says people over 60 should not take daily aspirin to prevent heart attacks because of potential internal bleeding.
-Or, as Rosanne Rosannadanna said, “if it’s not one thing, it’s another.”
13) Arizona U.S. Senator Kyrsten (“Enema”) Sinema boasted about using her breasts to persuade “uptight” Republican lawmakers.
-Er, persuade them to do what, Enema?
IN ECONOMIC NEWS
14) Cyberattacks and higher material costs—gee, I think those are driven by ENERGY costs?—are blitzing the wind-power industry, and it may not overcome them.
15) The S&P is crashing vs. commodities.
16) File under “There’s a sucker born every minute,” junk-rated Carvana got $4.5 billion from new investors after its shares collapsed 77%.
17) National home price growth has accelerated to 19.8%. The Fed ain’t hopping off the accelerator any time soon.
18) New home sales sagged 8.6% in March as mortgage rates jumped.
19) Fort Worth is the first city in the U.S to mine bitcoin and will run mining rigs out of city hall.
-Not the Babylon Bee.
20) Ukraine’s grain production is now expected to fall 20%.
21) Biteme is phasing out incandescent light bulbs. Buy ‘em.
22) Google’s parent company Alphabet, not to be confused with the song “ABCDEFU,” missed its revenue targets sending the stock plunging 4%.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
23) Brazil’s president asks the World Trade Organization not to sever Russian trade with 27 fertilizer ships inbound.
-Wanna bet WTO’s answer is “let them eat rainforest?”
24) Gazprom announces it will cut off gas supplies to Bulgaria because the nation refused to pay in rubles.
25) . . . while Russia warned Poland its gas supply will stop today.
26) A female suicide bomber blows herself up in Karachi.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
27) In the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial, Heard told jurors she suffers from two personality disorders.
-So, the question is, exactly whom is Depp divorcing and suing?
IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS
28) An alarming outbreak of hepatitis in children may have been brought on by the lockdowns weakening kids' immunity.
-Or by vaxxes.
29) Nearly 60% of Americans have natural antibodies to the China Virus from previous infection.
30) Finally, a Japanese man who married a virtual character is now on a mission to educate others about “fictosexuals.”
-No. I’m not kidding. That is the story. This lunatic married a 16-year-old anime. Can someone be a pedophile with a digital image? Will her male relatives stalk him in the cyberworld? Stay tuned.
And that's Today's News
Larry Schweikart is the co-author with Michael Allen of the NYTimes #1 bestseller, A Patriot's History of the United States, and is the founder of the history curriculum site, the Wild World of History. Larry can be found at Substack under Larry Schweikart and, for as long as they allow him, at Twitter @WallsOther and on Gettr at @OtherWalls and SOON on TruthSocial!