The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow
IN POLITICAL NEWS
1) The biggest news of the day was that Elon Musk’s offer to buy Twitter—which the Twitster leadership originally rejected—was reconsidered and Musk is the happy owner of the blue bird.
2) Immediately Musk locked down the Twit source code to make it hard for employees to make unauthorized changes to the platform. In other words, woke little disgruntled spoogocrats in Twit won’t be able to sabotage the system.
3) This is because he plans to make the algorithms open source “to increase trust.”
That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.
4) President Trump, however, will stay on Truth Social. This was to be expected.
5) The Twit buyout is big for conservatives, as a new, open forum will be available to them—but already a House Republican predicts the GOP will take 40 seats.
-That may be quite low now: 40 is the floor.
6) Biteme is totally unprepared for the midterm wave.
-Not surprised. He still doesn’t know what week it is.
7) The Rutabaga’s team now thinks Kampuchea Harris was sabotaging rivals for the veep spot.
-So? That’s what DemoKKKrats do. They cheat. Right, Rutabaga?
8) Fittingly, Harris is breaking records with historically low approvals: 28.5% according to highly rated Trafalgar.
9) Meanwhile, Kash Patel says Bull Durham has shut down the statute of limitations argument.
-I remain skeptical on Durham and pray I’m wrong.
10) A justice official says Durham’s report will be made public. Oops. Guess Grand Moff Garland won’t be able to shield it.
11) But right on schedule, a judge has limited Durham in presenting evidence that collusion claims were untrue unless Sussmann’s attorney raises the issue first.
12) Google is rolling out software that will correct you with inclusive language.
-When it prompts me, I will just say “Hell no” and continue.
13) File under, “Yeah. I buy that.” Botoxic has said Zero is jealous of the Rutabaga.
14) The New York Times frets that conservative judges have used the pandemic to “dismantle” government’s “legal authority.”
-Yep. Ain’t it grand?
15) Minority leader Kevin McCarthy has warned that Republicans might impeach Biteme over the death of the border official.
16) In a “huge win” for border security, a U.S. District Court has granted a temporary restraining order blocking Biteme from lifting Title 42.
17) Biteme called NHL commissioner Gary BETTman “Gary Batman.”
18) A treasure hunter group alleged that the FBI made off with $500 million in lost Civil War gold. I thought that came with a curse?
IN ECONOMIC NEWS
19) Stock markets in China and Hong Kong took a dive on a crisis in confidence in China.
20) Twit staff was told in an emergency meeting that their jobs are only safe for six months until the takeover is completed.
21) Japan has determined to spend billions to “Ease Inflationary Pain.”
-No, this is not turning into the skid.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
22) A Dutch political party Forum, voor Democratie, has asked where Zelensky’s huge fortune has come from.
23) Mass graves near the besieged Ukrainian city of Mariupol proved to be another hoax. It’s a small cemetery, no pits, no mass graves.
24) Zelensky has spoken in favor of settling the war with diplomacy.
25) Companies reported they are “overwhelmed with inquiries” for nuke bunkers in Switzerland.
26) The Canadian University of Waterloo has now offered tenure track only for women, non-binary, or “two-spirit persons.”
-You do understand this is why you are named after one of the greatest military defeats in history, right?
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
27) Channel 4 Dispatches has shown that Metaverse users boasted that they are attracted to “little girls aged between the age of nine and 12.”
28) This qualifies as entertainment: a Minnesota State Senate candidate gave her convention speech while in labor.
29) Marvel-verse director James Gunn who oversaw “Guardians of the Galaxy” has disappointed Whackadoodle Leftoids everywhere by saying he will not replace Chris Pratt as Starlord.
-If he was replaced, said Gunn, “We would all be going with him.”
IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS
30) Our own uncoverdc.com reports that an American Airlines pilot, forced to get a China Virus vax, suffered cardiac arrest at the gate.
31) No, not the Babylon Bee: the Toronto Zoo has claimed that animals are receiving China Virux vaxxes of their own free will, saying “these are voluntary inoculations.”
-Really. They said that.
32) Finally, a family living near a country club has won $4.9 million in damages after being “terrorized with golf balls” that forced neighborhood children to wear helmets while playing outside.
-I swear, your honor, I haven’t played golf in years.
And that's Today's News
Larry Schweikart is the co-author with Michael Allen of the NYTimes #1 bestseller, A Patriot's History of the United States, and is the founder of the history curriculum site, the Wild World of History. Larry can be found at Substack under Larry Schweikart and, for as long as they allow him, at Twitter @WallsOther and on Gettr at @OtherWalls and SOON on TruthSocial!