The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow
IN POLITICAL NEWS
1) File under “music to my ears”: An anonymous DemoKKKrat strategist told the Hill “we’re going to get slaughtered in November.” Biteme’s polling has gotten worse, not better. “There’s nothing they’re going to be able to do.”
-Yeah there is. Lose bigger.
2) Kampuchea Harris is losing yet another staffer, her deputy chief of staff, Michael Fuchs.
3) Trump has endorsed former veep nominee Sarah Palin in her bid for Congress.
4) Hunter Biteme is living in a $30,000 a month mansion and to protect him the U.S. gubment must rent a similarly expensive pad nearby.
-I don’t think a fed prison is that expensive.
5) Speaking of Demento, Jr., his firm wanted to strip the assets of the U.S. Postal System and replace them with a company—Evercore—run by a pal.
-Shocked! Shocked, I tell ya!
6) The Hunter slime spreads as White House Chief of Staff solicited funds from Demento, Jr. In 2012 for the veep residence telling him “keep this low low key.”
7) And more Demento, Jr. news as the Rutabaga himself has been pulled into the grand jury probe when a witness is asked to identify the ‘big guy” in a Chicom kickback deal.
8) Cops have investigated hazing allegations at Norwich University in Vermont that included branding, waterboarding, and torture with pliers.
-Wait, I thought Jeffrey (He didn’t kill himself) Epstein was dead.
9) Days after the Supreme Court nominee Jumpin’ Jackson Brown refused to define a woman—“I’m not a biologist”—five federal agencies including DOJ and Education refuse to define a woman.
-And just like that, feminism in America has come to an end.
10) An angry mother who confronted Mayor Eric The Red Adams from New Kabul (i.e., New York City) about his toddler maskie mandate has been fired from her city job in the name of tolerance.
11) A novel heart ultrasound procedure has shown success in predicting the risk of developing dementia.
-Too late for the Rutabaga, though.
IN ECONOMIC NEWS
12) Chip shortages have caused a plunge in new vehicle sales, causing inventories to drift to 1979 levels.
13) Turkish inflation has hit 61%, a 20-year high.
14) The “Logistics Managers’ Index” that measures supply chain issues rose for the third straight month, reflecting growing supply chain problems due to “inventory congestion.”
-I’m sure the Demented Pervert and Dr. Fallacy can find a vax for “inventory congestion.”
15) Camaro and Mustang production paused due to . . . wait for it . . . parts shortages.
16) Apple employees outraged that they may actually have to work, threaten to quit as CEO Tim Cook orders mandatory in-office days.
17) JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon slams Biteme for “incomprehensible and uncoordinated” policies and “dysfunctional” politics.
-Jamie, Jamie. The Rutabaga himself is “incomprehensible and uncoordinated and dysfunctional.” What do you expect?
IN EXTRATERRESTRIAL NEWS
18) A U.S. warship, the U.S.S. Kearsarge, was chased by “two balls of light.”
-Iron Man and Captain Marvel really ought to let the gubment know when they are practicing in areas where there are warships.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
19) Burger King ads have misled customers about the size of their burgers by 35% according to a class-action lawsuit.
-Great. Now do Victoria’s Secret.
20) Execs at Will Smith’s talent agency are divided over whether to dump the Oscar-winning former interstellar pilot.
-“Who’ll kill the aliens now?” shrieked one.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
21) “We seriously underestimated Russia; our own propaganda is killing us,” wrote Ian Kummer of allied war analysis regarding Russia.
22) And from another source, it appears the Russkie move toward Kiev was a fake and they have now encircled 60,000-80,000 Uke forces in Donbas.
23) Harbinger: The margin of victory was unexpectedly large for Hungary’s Viktor Orban.
24) Romania has issued potassium iodide pills to its citizens in case nuke war breaks out.
25) U.S. officials now say the Russkies are “repositioning” forces to mount an offensive in eastern Ukraine where the bulk of the Ukrainian army is.
-Oh? So they weren’t “defeated” at Kiev after all?
26) Maybe this time: as the French election nears, Marine le Pen has surged against Macaroni.
27) Germany has taken “temporary” control of Gazprom Germania.
-Yeah, that will ensure more gas from Russia. Seriously, third-graders on mushrooms could come up with better policies.
IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS
28) The Biteme administration has cut off 14 more states from China Virus treatment.
29) Counties with the highest vax rates saw more China Virus cases than the least-vaxxed.
30) Some 769 athletes have collapsed in the past year . . . but of course, no one is blaming the vax.
31) According to the CDC, 44% of U.S. high school students felt persistently “sad or hopeless” in 2021.
-I know: more lockdowns!
32) And finally, an MSNBC hostess—on a network that appeals exclusively to rich white liberals—complains that it’s “utterly ridiculous” to focus the discussion of Will Smith’s assault around “the opinions of white folks.”
-She then reportedly said, “Can we cut to the Princess Cruise Lines and Lands End commercials now?”
And that's Today's News
Larry Schweikart is the co-author with Michael Allen of the NYTimes #1 bestseller, A Patriot's History of the United States, and is the founder of the history curriculum site, the Wild World of History. Larry can be found at Substack under Larry Schweikart and, for as long as they allow him, at Twitter @WallsOther and on Gettr at @OtherWalls and SOON on TruthSocial!