The News of Today is the History of Tomorrow
IN POLITICAL NEWS
1) She’s ruuuuunnning part 12, Cankles beats the Rutabaga in Florida, leading some to predict she will run in 2024.
2) Although Governor Jared Polis seems safe, new polling shows other Colorado DemoKKKrats may not be.
3) The White House gauleiters are afraid Biteme will get the China Virus and show that vaxxes aren’t effective.
-They aren’t. Biteme already has “COVID brain.” What would change?
4) This is amply demonstrated in a cringe-worthy video of Jill Biteme (aka, the “Senior Skank”) having to walk the Rutabaga down from a podium in his Alzheimer’s shuffle.
-George III had nothing on this guy.
5) Meanwhile, having failed to even put a dent in the China Virus, the Demented Pervert now promises to reduce cancer deaths by half in 25 years.
-He is also promising to remove all calories from chocolate cake.
6) The proto-fascist George Lincoln Rockwell Project (aka, the Lincoln Project) pays off the co-founder who quit amidst a homosexual grooming scandal.
7) Debris from a passing comet and an “airburst” may have eradicated the Hopewell Indian culture 1,500 years ago.
-Wait, Howard Zinn is wrong? Columbus didn’t kill all the Indians?
8) Blaming “an attack on black leadership,” Tennessee state senator Katrina Robinson was expelled by a 27-5 vote after her conviction on fraud charges.
9) Viagra has now been associated with a reduced risk of Alzheimer's disease.
-Rejoicing in nursing homes reported across America.
10) A Tennessee election symposium has exposed state voting system vulnerabilities.
11) A University of Texas tennis coach, as part of the “Operation Varsity Blues” corruption sting, said he didn’t know there was anything wrong with taking a bag with $60,000 cash in it.
-In related news, CNN’s Jeff Zucker said he didn’t know there was anything wrong with shtupping a subordinate who just happened to work for Governor Andrew (“Nipplepin Venthoarder”) Cuomo.
IN ECONOMIC NEWS
12) Gas prices are spiking. Thanks, Rutabaga.
13) Inflation in the Eurozone has spiked to a record high.
14) Fascistbook, aka, Metabeta, loses users for the first time ever: shares plummet 20% as there are 500,000 fewer daily log-ins.
-In happier news, Mark Zuckerberg’s personal wealth dropped by $29 billion, earning him first place over Elon Musk’s wealth collapse of $25 billion.
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
15) The hiding Justa Turd-o, panicking, now calls truckers “transphobic.”
-Apparently, he thought that meant they would not cross a border out of fear.
16) The UK home office is spending billions a year (4.7 million pound sterling per day!) housing Afghans.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
17) Well, I guess this qualifies as “entertainment” since CNN is no longer “news, Jeff Zucker, president of CNN, has resigned having failed to disclose an office relationship with Andrew Cuomo’s head of communications.
-Seems boffing the governor’s comms chief may count as “bias.”
18) Now insiders are calling for Zucker’s “water boy,” Brian (Alka) Stelter, better known as the Potato, to be fired. Maybe soon to join harasser Blind Lemon Don?
19) Normally we don’t include tweeted comments here, but this was too good to pass up from Claudia Tenney, Congresswoman from New York:
20) Virginia’s dynamic duo of Governor Glenn Youngkin and Attorney General Jason Miyares is becoming “parents’ one-two punch for liberty.”
-They’re doing good. Let’s not anoint them yet. We’ve seen (ahem, Kristi Noem) how shooting stars can sometimes burn out.
21) Country music star John (“Big and Rich”) Rich pledges to expose anyone in his industry firing musicians over refusing vaxxes.
-(Heads up: my upcoming guest on the Wild World of History’s “Celebrity Interview” series is none other than John Rich, next month!)
22) So-called filmmaker Spike Lee plans on making a new movie about Coloncancer Kaepernick. No title yet but “White Like Me” has been suggested.
IN CHINA VIRUS NEWS
23) More winning as Benghazi-by-the-Lake, also known as Chicago, is reconsidering its vax and indoor maskie mandates, citing falling China Virus cases.
-Surrrrreee. That’s it. Whatever you need to say to back out of your nightmare, Beetlejuice.
24) Newest threat? “Long covid.” Is there a cure? New research suggests a cure is on the horizon, this time with actual clinical trials!
25) A federal judge in Florida granted a temporary restraining order to two service members facing disciplinary action after the military denied their appeals for religious accommodation from the China Virus vax
26) New Zealand, having delayed the inevitable for two years, has ended its quarantine requirements for incoming travelers and has reopened its borders.
-Now the Kiwis will get infected and build natural immunity as is necessary.
27) According to a British Office for National Statistics report, children are up to 52 times more likely to die following a China Virus shot.
28) Our own Uncover D.C.’s Michelle Edwards writes about the China Virus’s “original antigenic sin.”
29) And finally, we have a genuine limousine liberal, as DemoKKKrat Amy (Clubber Lang) Klobuchar spent campaign funds on a limo service in New Calcutta (better known as LA) and more than $5,000 to attend a bash at the Beverly Hills Hilton hosted by John (Definitely Not A) Legend.
-Asked for a comment, Clubber said, “Let them drive Hondas.”